Desperation (What would you do?)

I readily admit I am desperate. I am desperate for male attention and male affection. I haven't had a boyfriend in two years, why wouldn't I be desperate? I am a human. I need human contact. And I don't mind admitting that I am desperate for it. We all are at certain times. We have needs. I don't care who knows it.

So there.

Today was a day I was desperate. I went to the gynecologist today. Going to the gynecologist is never a fun experience. When I lay on that uncomfortable table getting my insides poked and prodded, I thought, "No. This cannot be the only 'action' I get today. No."  no no no no no

On top of that, I had plans tonight to go to a comedy show.

By myself.

Yeah, as if that isn't depressing. The only thing funny about that is the irony of how not funny it is.

Luckily, I had made tentative plans to meet Number Ten afterwards. I'll call him Ten for short. Ten because he is the tenth person on my Tinder/Bumble Spreadsheet of Dates, which means he is one of the first people I went out with after my last relationship ended. It also means that we have been seeing each other for over a year. I was looking forward to seeing him as it had been a month since the last time and also, I needed his male attention.

We are in a Not Relationship. It is casual. There is trust, respect, and honesty between us. But it is going nowhere. However, we still enjoy each other's company when our schedules allow. There is actually a chapter about Ten in my book.

After the comedy show, I headed his way. I walked there. It was about a thirty minute walk. It was raining, but I needed the exercise. Because of what happened when I got there, if this had been a scene in a movie, it definitely would have been raining, so the weather was perfect.

I didn't even have an umbrella. Again, perfect.

In his last message, Ten made it seem like everything was confirmed for me to stop by after 9:30. I messaged him to let him know I was on my way. I messaged him my logistical updates. He didn't respond to my messages. I called him when I got closer. No answer. Ten is usually responsive so I just assumed that he was in the shower or something because I could see that he hadn't even seen my messages.

I got to his place and messaged a last time, telling him I was there and would wait five minutes before heading home to "cry myself to sleep." (that was a joke)

I didn't have to wait long. He showed up a minute later.

With a cute, blonde girl.

Clearly, he was not expecting me, though he had definitely made it seem like he had invited me to come over. I tried to read the situation and his face.

Was he arriving at the same time as a cute neighbor? Or were they together? Was he on a date?

 I couldn't tell.

The very friendly blonde introduced herself to me. I was friendly back. Ten fiddled with her umbrella, trying to close it. I assume he was trying to buy some time in order to gather his thoughts and figure out how to handle the situation, because, yes, it turned out, he was definitely on a date.

If I had been able to tell right away, I would have probably called him out by saying something funny and clever like "Oh, I didn't realize you wanted a threesome tonight."

But I couldn't tell... yet.

Ten then went to open the door to his building, and as he did so, this person who I have been intimate with for over a year, who I trust, looked me right in the eyes and said, "Are you here to see Josh?"

Really? 

Eyes wide in disbelief, I looked him right back in the eyes and said, "No."

It might have been better to say, "No, I am here to see you... as we had discussed earlier." Or, even better, I could have said, “Who’s Josh?”

But what would have been the point of that? To make him more uncomfortable in an already uncomfortable situation? To make this poor, friendly, blonde girl feel awkward or stupid? No, there would have been no point. Also, it happened so fast I couldn't think straight as to how to even respond and to do so with grace.

He then proceeded into his building, with the girl, and shut the door.

And there I was. Stunned. Outside, in the rain.

With no umbrella.

He closed the door on me like I not only didn't matter to him, but like I didn't matter at all.

Ouch.

I was equally stunned and equally unfazed. I think the fact that I was unfazed was worse.

What would you have done in Ten's position? How would you have handled that?

I for one know what I would have done. I would have checked my freaking phone in order to not put myself or anyone else in that situation. Clearly, on his end there was a miscommunication. Obviously, he was not expecting me to be there. Did he handle it well? No, he certainly did not. Was his intention to be cruel though? No, it wasn't; he made a series of mistakes.

What would you have done if you were me? Would you have gotten angry? Would you have texted him a bunch of expletives? Would you judge his character? What if your interest in him has nothing to do with his character? How would you react then?

I didn't get angry. What would I get from being angry? Nothing, except anger.

Anger is the worst.

Responding with anger would also mean that I have the luxury of being in a position to burn bridges. Sadly, at 43 and single, I am not in that position.

Personally, I prefer to leave the door open for people to recognize when they have done something wrong and to allow them to say they are sorry. Getting a sincere apology from someone makes me feel a whole lot better than writing a bunch of hateful messages.

Of course, I told Ten how he made me feel (and that he should have checked his phone and just told me not to come!!!!).

Ten gave me a sincere apology. He recognized that the miscommunication was completely his fault and he acknowledged that he should have checked his messages. Of course he was sorry for how he handled it.

So now what would you do? Would you accept the apology but tell him you never want to see him again? If I never see him again how does that benefit me? Desperate me? With needs?

When you are desperate, can you hold Not Boyfriends to the same standards as you would a Boyfriend? You need them for one reason and if they can fulfill that one need, who is the one being punished by cutting them off?

So what would you do?

I accepted Ten's apology. I might have even laughed the next morning about how horrible he must have felt in that moment of utter awkwardness. For now, I need Ten and I have enough emotional maturity to know he did not do any of that on purpose. It takes way less energy to be understanding and forgiving than it does to be angry.

I do hope that our Not Relationship will continue (without further incident!!) until one of us finds an actual Relationship.

The end of the story is that right after I got home, Number 39 actually messaged me out of the blue. He came over thirty minutes later.


I did end up getting more action than from just my gynecologist, after all.

So there.

(Update: you won't believe the Karma that happened next)

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