Dating Data
I decided to spend some time on my statistics in order to provide some data driven answers to the top two *totally non-judgmental* questions I often get asked by my readers.
I even made charts to share with you!
1. "Why don't you analyze your data and figure out what you are doing wrong?"
First of all, I didn't keep track of these numbers in order to "analyze" them. I kept track because I just wanted to know quantities. I don't really believe you can analyze the unique manifestation of the venerated je ne sais quoi.
It confuses me when people think that these conversion rates are so bad because I am doing something "wrong."
Like, do they understand how dating works?
You can do everything "right," but that doesn't mean you are going to be *right* for the person across from whom you are sitting.
By the numbers:
Conversion rate to boyfriend: 0%
For me personally, it all comes down to one thing and that thing doesn't take any analysis. It either is there or it isn't:
What is the Spark Rate? To put it simply, that is the rate at which you meet someone who makes you want to stop swiping. As you can see, it is REALLY low.
So, if you have found someone you spark with, be extra nice to them and don't forget how statistically lucky you are!
2. "Why do you keep wasting your time going out with guys who are too young?"
First of all, ahem, Macron!! Second of all, read my book.
But, anyway...
Here is the age breakdown of the men I have gone out with over the last three years (starting when I was 41).
If you look at the numbers, I have actually gone out with an almost equal amount of men who were Pretty Realistic as I have with Totally Unrealistic. See? I try!
Sooooo.... given that this is the data, although society keeps telling me I need to be on a Boyfriend Mission, what I am really focused on is just enjoying my life.
When people project onto me and say, "Stop going out with guys who are too young for you!" My thought is WHY?? That makes zero sense! Why NOT go out with people with whom I think I will have fun?
If I listened to those people, I would have missed out on meeting 24 year old Corey, a true gentleman, who, like The Gentleman from Philadelphia, gave me a proper invitation that included a date/time/location for a Friday night which, lord knows, I would have had nothing else to do if he hadn't.
Of course I accepted his offer!
It was a beautiful spring evening when we met at the metro and walked to Etto, where we sat outside and shared a delicious pizza.
Given that Corey had come all the way from Richmond to meet me and had been such an enjoyable dinner companion, I offered to take him on a post dinner walking tour of some of my favorite nearby sites.
The first stop was DNV Rooftop where we got to see a beautiful view on a beautiful night!
(photo credit to Corey for this one)
And from there? Le Diplomate for dessert because, of course, I had to expose him to what might possibly be the best dessert in the District.
The next stop on our tour was The Line Hotel, this new fab spot in DC which he absolutely loved.
As we sat and chatted a bit longer in the The Line lobby before saying goodbye, I got a little emotional and may or may not have teared up. I just felt really lucky to have gotten to enjoy the company of this truly lovely person on a Friday night out on the town. I felt grateful that this handsome young man chose to come all the way to DC to spend his evening with me and was just nice to me.
So, for those of you who think I waste my time by not only going out with guys my own age? Well, I think it would have been a way bigger waste to not jump at the opportunity to spend an evening with this cutie pie and his charming southern accent.
Thank you so much Corey for such a fun evening! I really loved meeting you!
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:) Another interesting post to start the week.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jenni!
Two things. Fist off - kudos for the example - Emmanuel Macron is a good one! Alas, he got criticised about his relationship by almost entire Europe (and perhaps even larger audience than that, given the office he is taking...), so I would say - you better be ready for society critiques, especially now, that you are published writer.
Second - purely statistics... I was wondering what percentage of these dates ended because of your desire to end things and how many because of the other person?
Just curiosity...
The question about the statistics is a great question, yet it is data that I did not track. After spending some time looking at my spreadsheet to try to figure out an answer for you, I can tell you that out of the 115 first dates that I had, I got to have a second date with every single one that I wanted to except for two of them. One of them ended up suddenly moving to California and the other, I guess, just wasn't into me. Now, that does not mean that I rejected 85 people (115-28-2). Many of the 85 did not ask me for a second date, probably the majority. I would wager, however, that if I had put out the vibe that I was interested, I probably could have gone on more second dates than I did. In various cases, I accepted an invitation for a second date because I wanted to give the guy another chance despite not feeling an initial spark. That is why I feel so strongly about the spark. If it not there at first, the likelihood for me that it will develop is really low. Out of the 28 people I went on second dates with, I would definitely been into going on a third date with six of the men who did not choose to ask to see me again. But only five of those count because the sixth one left the country and moved to Iraq. (They keep moving away! Should I take that personally?!?!) Out of the nine people I went on third dates with there was just one that I wanted a fourth with who didn't want me and I REALLY liked him and that REALLY sucked. But, he was 25 so oh well. Out of the five people I went on four dates with, I didn't get a fifth date with one of them I wanted to but in that case, I was the one who left the country. The same goes for fifth dates. I only got 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th dates with two people and in the end, they both rejected me (one after twelve dates). So... basically, if you want me to analyze THIS data, the takeaway is that if you can get me to a fourth date, I'm in... but getting me there is not common.
DeleteThank you for the detailed break down of the data, Jenni!
DeleteI have always believed that the key in successful relationships are long term goals. I mean - common dreams. Both parties MUST want to get to the same place and have common achievement in 10 - 20 years, and why not even longer than that.
Perhaps focusing on the "perfect date" must step aside and focus on "planning the next thing in life"...
Ask someone what are his dreams in life. What does he what to achieve.
Let them talk about it in your presence. Just that. Just share what everyone wants. see what the chances are.
Let us know how did that go :)
Svet
Yes Svetoslav Kostadinov, you are absolutely right that common goals for a future are fundamental for a successful relationship. They are not, however, fundamental for a successful date.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteLet me ask you this:
DeleteIf I told you, that I will give you one marshmallow now, or, if you wait two hours, I will give you two marshmallows...
What would you do?
Take one immediately or wait for couple of hours to get two marshmallows?
P.S. Sorry for deleting my previous comment, I just missed a comma, which I wanted to fix...
I don't like marshmallows.
DeleteOK... take something you like. Chocolates, cupcakes... same question.
DeleteWhat would you do? Take one now, or wait couple hours and get two instead?
I am not a food blogger. ;)
DeleteThis is supposed to be a social experiment, which is relevant to the topic of the blog, but I understand if you would not like to participate.
DeleteI think you got the point with the first question.
I got your point but I think you missed mine.
DeleteWill you help me get it?
DeleteI've always believed Age is relative to the person, maturity is different than age, as the as dearly departed Aaliyah said, 'Age Ain't Nothin' but a Number' though I've have been accused of being a dirty old man
ReplyDeleteWell, you have been nothing but polite to me! :)
DeleteI have always been curious and impressed how you collect your data. simply your foresight
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteFor a chart to being more statistically accurate, you need each bar to represent the same span of years. So your ages chart should be reworked. Because this makes it seem that 48 out of 115, or 42%, were 20-29. 35% were 30-39. 19% were 40-49. And 4% were 50+. So I wouldn’t really describe that distribution as fairly uniform. Heavily skewed towards under 40 with 77% under 40. Not sure which ages are “pretty realistic” versus “totally unrealistic” for you though.
ReplyDeleteHi Libby Jones. I absolutely love that you took the time to figure out the statistics on my chart. I really didn't have that one for statistical purposes but really just to show the age breakdowns and quantities. I didn't want to break the ages down in the same span because they don't break down that way in my mind. Totally Unrealistic, of course, is the first column is 23-27. However, at 41, when I started dating, I didn't think that 28-29 was Completely Unrealistic even though it was Pretty Unrealistic. 30-35 was Hopefully Realistic. In the original draft of this blog, I had actually broken down the categories for how I had split out the ages but I decided to take it out. Looks like I should have left it! Thank you for your feedback - math is def not my strong point!
Delete“I have REALLY REALLY liked it with LESS THAN 6% [of sex partners].”
ReplyDeletehttp://www.aloneinthebackseat.com/2017/11/lets-talk-about-sex.html
I really didn't want to "chill" and "watch a movie” [for our third date].
http://www.aloneinthebackseat.com/2018/05/the-three-types-of-guys.html
I told him it was too soon [to “hang out” and “watch a movie”] and that my feelings were hurt.
http://www.aloneinthebackseat.com/2017/08/fake-thank-yous.html
You had scores of sex partners who did not wait, including no-date hook-ups with twentysomethings and teenagers. You want chumps to court you endlessly, while you go home and booty-call your “roster” of “not-relationships”. No desirable man will tolerate this. I see many cats in your future.
KL,
Delete1. I would definitely not want to be courted by a "chump" as I surely would have no spark.
2. If you think that 2 dates is "endless" courting, I think you need to look up the definition of "endless."
3. I am allergic to cats.
Also, I think you need to read "I'm not desperate anymore," "Touch but don't feel," and"He's out there." You are behind the times. Oh, and you should probably take a look at "Ode to Anonymous" too, very applicable to the tone with which you have chosen to address me.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteHow many dates did it take for sex with your 6% of enjoyable partners?
DeleteBased on your blog, #113 correctly suspected you have post-date hook-ups and ongoing sex with "not relationships" instead of him. He wanted a partner who felt reciprocal spark, not a promiscuous manipulator who refused to chill on the third date. The problem is the men you date are different from the men you have sex with.
Now that your book is out, you are no longer desperate to date men for material. You are are posting pictures of cold food instead of hot guys.
Hi KL. For your first question, I don’t really want to answer that publicly because that is kind of private. But, let me make a correction for you - it isn’t that it is just “enjoyable” it is what I call “marry me sex.” That is when it is so good that you just beg the person to marry you. One of them actually did! (details in book)
DeleteActually, #113 did not even bother to read my blog so he didn’t know anything about me. Lesson learned there.
I don’t know why you are calling me a “manipulator.” I think in order to be manipulative, you’d have to not be transparent. And no, what he wanted was to bang me. Trust me. Fact. I know. Details not to be shared publicly.
“The men I date are different from the men I have sex with?” I don’t know what that means. I haven’t actually really dated anyone as in “We are dating” except for like two of the guys on the list. I don’t think it counts as “dating” if you don’t even know if you like each other yet.
I think it is a hugely presumptuous and quite unfair assumption to say that now that my book is out, I am no longer desperate to date men for material. First of all, I never even planned to write a book, it just happened. So, going out with the guys pre-book coming out was not me doing “research” for a book. As far as me posting cold food pics instead of hot guy pics (nice one, btw, I appreciated that!), did it ever occur to you that maybe I am just tired? (And did you not read my recent Three Great Dates? Scott certainly falls into the hot category!) Meeting new people and going on dates is exhausting and my time is limited so now I like to prioritize meeting my readers. I am not on a dating “mission.” (Read my book) The purpose of me writing about my stories in my blog is to hopefully be relatable and give people hope that even if they don’t find their other half, they can still meet good people and have a good time if they have the right attitude. I also really want to help men and women see that this is really rough on both genders and that we just should be as kind to each other as possible! (Ahem, you have some room for improvement there as I can see in how you address me)
If you want me to continue to respond to your comments, try using a nicer, less presumptive, judgmental and aggressive tone. Let's be nice to each other?
Your writings show spark manifests quickly, and sex occurs within three dates. I call you manipulative because you compartmentalize your love life. You hop into bed quickly with hot young guys and “not a date” “not relationships”. But you withhold sex from older guys. Men can feel this without reading your blog.
DeleteYou suddenly expect men to court you in your forties. Quality men can get their interest quickly appreciated and reciprocated by younger women. That is why you struggle to get past a third date.
KL, every comment you make requires me to write an answer that could be a blog post in itself. For your first paragraph, ugh, I am just tired already of this conversation. If you are local and want to meet me, I'd be happy to discuss my logic in person.
DeleteFor your second paragraph that I "suddenly" expect men to "court" me in my forties? I don't know what you mean by suddenly and I don't know what you mean by court. But either way, I am pretty sure you are wrong on both counts. You are definitely correct about men being more interested in younger woman. You should read my book, you would definitely have more of the picture if you did.
As far as me struggling to get past a 3rd date, the struggle is finding someone I want to go on a fourth date with, not the other way around.
You had long-term relationships until _suddenly_ deciding in your forties "focus on enjoying life" with younger men. You waste men's time when you rarely feel spark. You wanted to string along #113 and "Mr. Fake Thank You" on more dates as long as they paid for public entertainment. You just wrote that women should pay after the first couple dates, but you barely do third or fourth dates. It appears shallow, narcissistic, and opportunistic.
DeleteMy opinion would improve if your Tinder profile honestly said "Professional dater seeks hook-ups with younger men".
KL, I “suddenly” became single in my forties when a police officer ended my six year relationship for me. It was certainly not my intention to be single in my forties.
DeleteI waste men’s time when I rarely feel a spark? How am I wasting their time? How am I supposed to know if I have a spark or not before I meet them?
I wanted to string along #113 and Mr. Fake Thank You because I actually thought I might LIKE them and want to get to KNOW them better? That is stringing along? First date with #113 – I had a glass of water. Second date with #113 – I had a glass of water and we split an appetizer. First date with Mr. Fake Thank You – ice cream. Second date – a walk. Wow, I sure am taking advantage of men.
I wrote that women should pay after the first couple of dates? Where exactly did I write that? I said that the man should choose the activity which he can afford and that personally, for me, I prefer when that activity is free!!! And I said it should there should be reciprocation after that!
If I changed my Tinder profile to “Professional Dater seeks hook-ups with younger men” that would be false because I think I would need to earn money in order to be considered a professional dater and if you read my “I’m not desperate anymore” post you would see that you are wrong about the “seeks hook-ups with younger men” too.
You miss the whole entire point of my blog and I am tired of you. If you want me to respond again, be nice to me. Otherwise feel free to leave me alone.
I'm glad you are no longer desperate, and have become more selective. This article is a good step towards acknowledging your choices to date people with whom you are unlikely to form long-term relationships. Those choices have not made you happy.
DeleteIt is unusual that you can no longer find spark with age-compatible men. It is terrible to settle for a relationship without spark. But the sad alternative is a lonely deteriorating series of transient hook-ups.
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2014/09/10/1410379250399_wps_18_Must_link_here_http_www_a.jpg
KL, What a pleasure your improved tone is. Thank you.
DeleteAh... the "spark"
ReplyDeleteA few years ago I went on a date with a both beautiful and wonderful woman. We had a nice dinner in Takoma Park... when done I walked her to the car. At the car we talked... and I in our talk I something about not having a second date. She asked why... I said, because there was no spark. She said... ah... that allusive spark. It was a nice night and the she looked amazing. It seemed like she was calling me in... so I leaned in and we kissed. Then I felt it... that spark... but then I realized... she was toying with me... just showing me what I would be missing... dang... I was foolish to think that the spark would reveal itself over dinner and drinks... I should have given it more time and maybe gotten to know her better... my loss I guess... It is tough to be chasing "the spark" maybe we do not feel love as we did when we were young.