I'm not desperate anymore.

The other day I went to the gynecologist.

It was almost exactly one year ago that I last lay with my legs in stirrups and miserably thought, “Please, please don’t let this be the only action I get today,” as I told you about in Desperation (What would you do?).

But guess WHAT!

I am NOT desperate anymore.

This year, as my insides were being poked and prodded, the doctor tried to distract me by asking me how I’d been and, well, we all know I have a lot to say on that topic!

“I wrote a book! I started a blog! In fact, my blog actually took off after the last time I was here!”

I then proceed to tell him a paraphrased version of Desperation – the rain, the door being shut in my face, CBG.

I was so focused on telling him how much my life had changed, that I barely felt any of the pokes and the prodding and before I knew it, the exam was over.

As I got dressed, I thought, "Wow. I am in such a different place than I was a year ago."

As I wrote about in my book, when I became single, after always being in relationships and always having the emotional quietude of knowing I had someone to satisfy my physical needs...

I FREAKED OUT.

I had so much anxiety about it and it was so stressful. I won’t go into details here, but you can read all about that in my book (now available on kindle!!!).

However, after two+ years of being disappointed and dissatisfied at a very high rate (94%, to be exact), I have decided that it is pointless to stress about it ANYMORE.

Plus, I am tired of intimacy without intimacy.

So, now I am not desperate. 

But, is this reason to celebrate? 

Some of my readers might think so. A lot of you hated how I “let” Ten "treat" me. And you hated that I considered myself desperate. I think a lot of you just didn’t understand that desperation because you never experienced it yourselves. 

Sidenote, the name of that blog was Desperation (What would you do?), not "what should I have done" because I wanted people to reflect on what they would have done in my position. I got a lot of criticism and little understanding, but that post wasn't about me - my story was about the reader. There were lessons in that story - to be introspective and realistic, to consider if it is worth it to react to things with anger, to appreciate the person you have if you have someone, and to not judge but wonder.

Anyway...

If we look at it negatively, no, me not being desperate anymore is not reason to celebrate.

Why should we celebrate that I shut down a vibrant, natural, exciting part of myself in order to avoid stress and anxiety and disappointment and dissatisfaction?

I think that is, like, tragic. 

(Um, see above photo. That is going to waste! Every day!!!!!)

However, if we want to be positive about it, well, I think it is pretty worth celebrating that I have the fortitude to make the decision to just not let something stress me out. 

That is a big deal.

Being able to choose to not stress over things is, like, a life changing skill.

So, yeah, I am not desperate anymore.

At least for now. 

But, who knows, I am human, I am not promising I won't get desperate again.

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